


Classification Code: 3R0S

by StormingWolfSwords



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angsty Teen syndrome, Gay, I DONT CARE!!!! I LOVE IT!!, M/M, Multi, This is a totally serious story about cool spy shit I swear, Too gay for words!, You clicked onto the wrong fanfiction, Yuri!!! On ice up in here!!!!!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:21:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16357916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormingWolfSwords/pseuds/StormingWolfSwords
Summary: Ok, so when an entire spy agency fucking dies, where would one think to go? Ah, yes the strip club! The perfect place to recruit an old flame that never died out despite both of them thinking it did.Victor Nikiforov, world class spy turned genius inventor, is on a mission to find the person behind his agency's death with the help of one edgy as fuck teenager and a stripper with one too many secrets to share.





	1. FUCKING EXPLOSIONS!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so sorry for not posting in a while, I didnt really have anything to post admittedly so.... Im procrastinating and I wrote this instead of focusing on my other stories, woo! Go me! Anyways, this is not in anyway meant to be taken seriously and I just had fun writing it. And we all know what happens when a writer has fun doing stoofs. Its absolute trash. So e joy a depresso expresso Yuri deal with grief, Victor learn communication skills and Yuuri being a goddamn dick all in one chapter that makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. Enjoy!

Write this code, fix that gadget, check in on my partners and operate remotely controlled vehicles from 700,000,000 miles away in exotic locations, all in a day’s work for me, Russia’s top spy-tech inventor, Dr. Nikiforov. I work in division 18412 of my agency under Yakov Feltsman’s directory and I work alongside numerous spies and advanced tech of my own design everyday.

Ok, I admit that introduction is really boring, but I’m not that interesting a person to begin with so that’s what we’ll have to settle with. Really though...I just sit in a swivel chair all day spinning myself bored and when my partners call I drive their cars like I’m playing video games. (Which is as about as exciting as my job gets besides information relay where I can practice my agent 007 impression) Oh, I also code and invent shit, like literally anything I want, but everyone already knows that. Its also not as great as it sounds. Trust me.

It may also make me the best prankster ever, not to brag. But don't tell that to my boss. I still have no idea where my robo-spiders crawled off to if the screams from my coworkers every other week is anything to go by and while some have already suspected it to be me, I don't want to give up my employee of the month plaque just yet.

I have worked for many spies in my time here, all equally both aggravating and disgusting me to no end with their personalities and costume choices. Seriously, how come there is no design department for this shit? But if I had to choose anyone in particular to rave on about I believe Christophe Giacometti might just be my favorite one. (I mean considering we are best friends) The Suave Panther as everyone calls him, but he rather hates that name; he’s never told me why though. 

And I'd like to keep it that way.

He’s a rather….eccentric spy if I’ve ever been assigned one. He’s very...touchy too with odd, but unquestioningly effective methods of getting information out of people. It’s strange and quite indecent at times, but he's doing his job and hasn't been fired yet so I have no room to complain. And I don’t even want to mention his odd obsession with sherbert ice cream...I really try not to ask him about that one. I’ve had weirder partners before, but Chris is quite...different from the rest if anything, I mean compared to Georgie Popovich -wait no scratch that- Chris is the most normal one by far. Georgi’s whine and cry shenanigans are a lot worse than the rants including Christophe's methods to seduce his partners. (Those two are hell in human form next to the other one who shall never be named.)

Anyways that’s not really all that important right now! Recently I’ve been issued a new partner by the name of Yuri Plisetsky. He’s a bit of a… what should I call it? Troublesome youth? Known for causing too many fights and gained the worthy enough reputation of Fiery Tiger, the boy who can kick your ass in five minutes tops…. And maybe that’s why Yakov assigned him to me. Probably...definitely. That or I was the only one who could “fathom having a bad mouthed child” on my team. (Or was the only person who knew how to deal with angsty teenagers, either way.)

“Oi, old man, I’m here to pick up my shit.” Ah, and here he is...oh joy…

“Yurio! How nice it is to see.....you?” He’s scowling and that’s never a good thing. I mean he scowls all the goddamn time, but as a former spy you kinda just pick up on the little nuances of somebodies tone of voice or facial expressions. Though even for a spy Yurio is hard to read because...well you know.

Too much anger and resentment in that one.

“I didn’t come here for small talk, Dr. Grandpa! Just give me my stuff and I’ll be on my way.” He seems especially pissy today. What’s got my Kotenok in such a tangle now? I hope he didn't break another one of my toys again. 

It's always his fault, not mine!

I’ll get the gist of description over with quickly so we can resume our story. He’s stout, he’s blonde, we have a weird kind of bond like really pathetically jealous siblings and he loves Tigers….like really likes tigers and his Grandpa, that’s Yurio. End of description. I literally couldn't tell you anything else because he's so closed off towards me. Well besides the fact that he does ballet by his amazingly skinny figure for his age. How he has time to do it, I'll never know.

“Are you going to be using the Mustang today or are you feeling the Harley? Scooter?” I try to lighten the mood, but he shoots me down immediately, like always. The kid never has found working with me enjoyable and I have no idea why. Maybe it's due to my Extroverted personality clashing with his introvertedness or he just outright hates my guts for no reason, either way even when he is smiling it's no thanks to me. It's always either his Grandfather or a stray cat he happens to befriend while out. I'll have to ask how he manages that. Maybe because he acts exactly like one, but mental notes aside. The only satisfaction I can take from working with him is that I'm the only Inventor he deems worthy enough to get his gadgets from, despite his constant nonsensical complaints, and I guess that's as much appreciation as I'm gonna get from him.

“You know I don’t have a license and you’re going to be the one driving it anyways so, what does it matter, just pick whatever one you want.” Maybe, if I was really quiet I could knock him out with that new Pulse Neutralizer I’ve been working on. It can knock someone out with a set electrical pulse that stops your heart for approximately 1.5 seconds. Has it killed anyone? Can it kill anyone? I have no clue, but Yurio sounds like the perfect test subject.

If only I were a spy, I could get away with roughhousing.

“I just want to get this shit over with.” He vanhelmently rolls his eyes, something he should probably stop doing if he doesn't want Yakov firing him or me playing any pranks on him for revenge.

I try to keep myself from chucking the PN right at his face. 

My fingers are really trigger happy today and I am in a position where It’d be a crime to fire me. An immoral crime at the very least.

“Yuri, what did I tell you about the language!” Oh and now my boss is here, oh joy to the world I’m getting fired today. 

For the umpteenth time this week.

“What about it, Feltsman!? Chris and Victor curse all the time! It’s not any different!” 

“That's because they're working adults who don't talk like sailors, boy! You better behave yourself or I'm suspending your license again!” 

Oh please do that! That means I’ll finally be around spies who actually care about me!

I almost want to laugh when Yakov still attempts to tame that fiery teen for his mouth anymore, I honestly should start storing popcorn in my desk. I clamp a hand over my mouth holding in what little I can of a snort and I feel like breaking out in giggles when Yakov’s glares at me and Yurio look even more pointedly annoyed. 

“Fine! Take it! It's not like I like doing this shitty job anyways! The secretaries here have way more fun here than I do, taking calls and chatting up this asshat over here!” I break. I break so hard. It's just the funniest thing in the world to me when he keeps assuming I'm anywhere near the straight spectrum. I'm so openly gay it hurts sometimes how much people make me laugh when they just don't get it! Oh, if only Yuri knew. 

“Aiy-yi-yi, what am I gonna do with you two?”

“How about fire him and make me the inventor. His gadgets are shit anyways. My explosives somehow got disarmed on my first mission and I almost DIED!”

I can’t stifle the little giggle in my throat. “Yurio, I told you there was a sequencing code to turn them back on! I disarmed them so you wouldn’t set them off in your bag. You clumsily toss explosives with a 5 mile blast radius into a cheap sack you brought from home and not expect to blow yourself up and then complain that you didn't die pulling the shit you do. You can just be so irresponsible at times! You’re so cruel~” I don't disappoint anyone by withholding my star awarding wink and I say star because my trophy cabinet doesn't need to get anymore crowded. Also I find trophies quite redundant, and stars are pretty at night and they're from fucking space so they're ultimately cooler compared to gold trophies that just sit there. collecting dust. Like huskless pieces of junk.

I never said I was very sentimental.

“Stop calling me that!” 

“Calling you what, Yurio?” Oooo~ He's getting angry now. I made the kitten roar.

Yakov rests a hand on Yuri’s shoulder and looks about ready to give up after one more lecture. I wouldn't blame him, we bicker like siblings and I bet he's glad that at least mine are all back home and not here rooting on our dispute. But those had been the glory days of my department, like the last time I actually gave a damn about anything. I wonder sometimes why Yakov even tries anymore. Vitally would have totally blown something up by now and then I'd be able to sneak away for breakfast. Damn retirement.

“Yuri, I-” 

 

Tick.

 

“Shut it old man, no one needs to hear your shitty mouth make words!” I see something red flash behind Yuri’s head.

 

Tick.

 

It's getting weirdly closer……

 

Wait a minute-

 

“What is it, old man? Why are you making that stupid face?”

 

Oh shit!

 

“YURI WATCH OU-” 

 

___________________

 

And that was how, I Victor Nikiforov, world renowned spy tech inventor ended up dragging a moody teenager and myself to an adult’s club. Caladini’s Strip Club and Pub to be exact.

Not the best place to be on a rainy Monday afternoon or… anywhere with an emotionally unstable teen, as Detective Noir as that may sound, but I had no other choice and the scarred look on Yurio’s face made it worth it. Little shit had it coming. He’s 16, I think its time he became a man, or that’s what my Father said when he found out I was gay and locked me in a room with some girl I barely knew. She was quite nice actually, she went by Rachel if I remember correctly. I believe her number is somewhere in my phone.

Well…. I mean I could turn this into a fun experience and narrate my way through my investigation and pop my pistol up on the bar counter smoking cigars, (I know, I’m a horrible role model) waiting for the right person to clue me in on their presence if I really wanted to, but making fun out of the death of an entire spy agency, that agency being the most well respected and classified agency known to nobody, but the workers there, isn't exactly the most respectable decision. Even if it may be the only thing keeping me sane around this overly reactive 16 year old at this point. 

I had told Yuri to wait in the car, but the rebel inside him wouldn't die even in the type of crisis we we’re in now, which admittedly was pretty amazing and I always congratulate rookies who have the ability to deal with grief like dust on their suit jackets. It’s only the most important part of being a spy, wildling away all your distracting emotions to get the job done, but at the same time he seemed a little more closed off than usual. Maybe it’s just my imagination.

“Yuri, why didn't you wait in the car?”

“Its just a stupid strip club, its not like I haven't watched porn before, genius.” He had rolled his eyes again, but I didn't expect anything less.

“I'll take that as the closest thing you'll ever get to complimenting me.”

He hadn't responded after that. His glare was centered on the tiled floor of the waiting area, he hadn't even made an attempt to hide the grief stricken scowl on his forehead.

No, he normally kicks me when I even try to start a conversation with him. I make it a point to talk to him about it later. For now, all I can do is shoo him off before he can even lay his sights on the first pole by basically handcuffing him to the lounge bench. Okay, not basically, literally. 

“Fine! Whatever! Leave me here! If some pedo tries to touch me Im telling the police it was you!”

And before you tell me it’s unessasarilly cruel, I do this to him all the time, so it’s fine! I have a remote in my pocket that can unhinge them at any time so, he’s completely fine and relatively safe. They have a built in electric shield to prevent anyone from touching him. 

Unless he breaks it again. 

Or finds a way out, to which really wouldn’t surprise me, but does anyways.

The place seems decently deserted as of tonight, to my luck, because I don’t feel like bumping bodies with too many of those types in this godforsaken sweatshop of hormones. Half of em’ are probably either soaked in sweat or….other indecent fluids I’d rather not imagine….maybe even both, ok yeah I'm going to stop myself there. I make my way to the only other dancer working tonight, a familiar feeling of ache filling my heart as I step closer. 

“Ah, Eros! How nice it is to see you again!” The meeting is anything, but when I get the slightest hint of amber in my peripherals sliding delicately down a long silver pole I’m seated by, a few benjamins under my fingertips at the round top and theres a part of me that slightly regrets coming here first. I should have just gone home where I could have left the brat to my siblings and not have to do….this. I pray this goes over quickly. “I've a favour to ask you if you're willing!”

“Ah, Victor Nikiforov.” There's a playful lilt to pursed red lips that sear the skin at my neck as they descend from the ceiling. A tongue snakes around his lips, gives me a false sense of lustrous calm. I take no comfort in it. (Ok maybe I do feel like going full noire, don't judge me! I'm currently grieving, goddammit!) “What brings a world renowned dickhead such as yourself back here? Don't you know we don't serve backstabbers here.”

Oof and he's got me with that knife in my chest, mercilessly twisting it to shred my insides to mere mush. I grimace, but otherwise my natural flirty and upbeat glamour stands to attention. 

“Wow, hospitality is clearly your forte here.” I roll my eyes and just barely notice him doing the same, mock smiles turning into disgusted gags as we both notice it. I forget how in sync we used to be and the display of affection has something uneasy resonating in my stomach. Butterflies? Ugh, I hope not. I'm not doing that shit all over again, no matter how beautiful -I mean absolutely revolting- this wannabe stripper is. Ok, maybe he's really the best one out of everyone here, but he still sucks. 

“I try my best, Nikiforov.” I notice a few faces turn, shock apparent as he's raised his voice at my name and I shoot him the least obvious pointed look I remember how to do, to which he shrugs and tags another coworker in, her black lingerie-esk booty shorts making every guy around her instantly mesmerized as she takes the pole, but their eyes speak reluctance to let the latter leave just yet.

I would of liked to keep my identity here on the down low, but I guess Eros isn’t willing to let me have that comfort here, now is he.

I watch him slide off the table top, all the men around us eyeing me with clear jealousy when he takes the bills flittily from my fingertips, his hips bumping my legs as he walks past. 

He takes the cuff of my jacket sleeve, leading me to a back room with a sway of his gorgeous -clearly fake and most likely surgically implanted- hips. “I’m taking a private dance!” He yells to the barkeep who flashes a smile with a thumbs up, cheeks rosy on their tan skin as he writes something down, makes a face when we make eye contact for whatever reason before writing other details down, then Eros’ attention is put back onto me. “Tell me what you want, lover boy.” He winks and plays with a strand of gelled hair. That smile quickly falls though when I show the least amount of interest possible as the graffitied door swings closed behind us. 

The back room is pretty much as cliche as you can get with private dance session rooms everyone sees on TV at some point in their Detective or Spy action movie marathon. The only difference is that my stripper is so totally not anywhere near hot, I mean have you looked at his thighs, they're delectibly -not sinful in any way shape or form and I am totally not a thigh man in the least, you can ask Chris, ok maybe don't ask Chris, but I'm not- and the normally gruffy looking leather on the roundabout coach is replaced with a nice velvet with stitched in diamonds -which are obviously fake- that compliment the diamond studded roundabout mirror as well. The pole itself seems like it has encrusted elements on it too, but a closer look tells that they're just stick ons for aesthetic purposes. Though at the right angle they look like the real deal.

“Alright, what do you want, now?” He picks at the dirt under his nails. Rude.

Might as well be blunt about it and get straight down to business. “My agency has been…. infiltrated and I need your help finding out who did it.”

“Excuse me?” And he’s he’s raising that stupid brow at me, that is literally the most annoying thing in the fucking world, especially coming from him.

“Ugh, listen. I know we don't like each other-”

“Hate is a better word.” He tsks. Oh he is asking for a P.N to the face.

“Hate each other -There are you happy now!?” I take the curt nod as affirmation and resist the twitch in my leg. “But you are the only person I actually trust to do the job right. Everyone….well that doesn't really matter, but everyone in my agency is…” How do I not bring up the fact that pretty much everyone is dead? Well I guess you just kinda don't do that. I'll try to lay it lightly. “In trouble. Serious life threatening trouble and I can't go anywhere else.” 

“They must be if you’re coming back to me.” 

“Coming back to you? Yuuri-” I protest, but he cuts me off with his finger.

“I believe you lost the right to call me that a long time ago.”

“Alright-Eros- Jesus Christ! Are you happy now!?” And I just continue anyways because I’m completely done with being polite at this point and I just want to get out of here. Yurio’s probably already escaped and run off to god knows where, Yu-Eros is is just plain rage indusing and I want to go home to my lovely poodle. “My agency just got fucking obliterated this morning and you think I’m just here to win you back!? Honestly, not everytime I try to find you is just to get in your pants anymore! I seriously need some goddamn help and since everybody else is pretty much fucking dead besides me and an emo-tastic teenager who hates my guts! I just need a little bit of help!” Ok maybe I should just take a little breath first. “….Please?” 

It’s just a staring contest for what feels like a long while before his gaze shifts to something else besides me and he stops clicking his fake nails together.

“I’ll do it.”

“THANK YO-wait you said what?”


	2. Probably Plot Progression!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a continuation of chapter 1! ~ But Victor's an ass and Yuri is more angsty! Yuuri turns into concerned Mom. 
> 
> Credit to this amazing person for liking this story so much!: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauriana25

“Victor, you goddamn idiot! Stop playing around with these dumbass stri-” ……… “Pers….Alright, nope. I’m out, goodbye. I’m not getting involved with this.” I quietly watch Yuri leave without another word not particularly caring about Yuuri’s confused expression as he slids back through the door that swings lazily open. Ok, that’s way too confusing, I’m just going to refer to him as Yurio from now on. It’s my funeral. I’ll die as I please. 

And again, how the HELL does he keep escaping my inventions!? Chris can’t even do that and he’s number one in the entire agency! Maybe that little brat keeps a transmitter on him, that’s the only explanation I can give him without making it sound like its just for comic relief and plot progression. Anyways, not thinking about Yurio’s odd inhuman abilities, I remember I still have a scantily dressed Japanese Yuuri in front of me and it probably looks worse than it actually is so I should probably do something about it. 

I make to follow Yurio out and risk a glance over my shoulder. There’s Yuuri just standing there, contemplative and confused. Ugh, I had feared he would of backed out knowing Yurio was with me, the kid left a pretty big imprint on him and I honestly wouldn’t blame him if he left now. God knows I’d want to leave too if I had been apart of that mess, oh wait….I was. I’ll just leave him to his thoughts and let him thi-

“Victor?” -Or not. 

“Yes Yuu- I mean Eros, sorry.” 

“No, no, it’s...ok. You can call me that for now.” For now. “But..why did you bring Yuri to a strip club?” 

Ok, not the question I was expecting, not from him anyways, more so expected it to come from Vitaly once I got home and told him the situation. “Ummmm, I told him to wait….in the car. -Oh my god, Yuuri, I swear!” And he has one of the most disbelieving faces on I’ve ever seen from anyone ever. “Oh, I am not that bad of a babysitter! I handcuffed him to a bench! I didn’t think he was gonna go anywhere!” His face only worsens.

“You handcuffed a child to a bench?”

“……” 

“Victor Nikiforov!” 

“Alright, will you two shut the fuck up and get out here! People are starting to stare! And honestly it smells like shit out here!” There’s a muted protest from the bar keep, but from what I hear from the doorway he’s not in total disagreement with Yuri. 

“Awww, Yurio just five more minutes, I almost had his pants around his knees!” 

There’s another chorus of laughter and a deeper giggle as shrill screams fill the air and one disgusted teen stomps through the front door. Or at least it looked like stomping, the crack in the door was hard to see through, but I swear Yurio was literally marching out the oor with his knees up to his chest.

“UGHGHGHARGH! YOU TWO ARE SO FUCKING DISGUSTING! I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT IDIOT’S-” And he’s rushed out the door before he can finish his sentence by a familiar presence I know as Otabek. He’s smiling as he tries to calm the raging teen in the lobby. He looks ready to burst into giggles, but I knew he wasn’t going to let himself slip, Otabek was a good friend, he wouldn’t up and betray Yuri like that.

“Really?” And I’m too late to turn around before I’m knocking shoulders with Yuuri. His cheeks are blotched an angry red and his eyes look large with rage. Well, if I’m not going out by Yurio then I guess a sexy stripper will have to do. “Down at my knees? Really, Victor!?” He scoffs. “Get in the fucking car.” Before walking off, passing the bar with a fake smile and blowing kisses to the bar keep before exiting the club altogether. 

Oh boy.


	3. Victor Is Best Narrator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter since I couldn't really get any sleep tonight and I had nothing better to do so I decided to update this shit show. (JK, I love this)
> 
> Yuuri and Victor have an interesting car ride and maybe I've given Victor too much power over how much he knows outside his own universe.
> 
>  
> 
> https://www.scottsdalemaserati.com/detail-2018-maserati-quattroporte-s_3_0l-new-17400401.html - This is what Victor's old car looks like for any car nerds reading this or if you're just curious. 
> 
> https://www.mbusa.com/mercedes/future/model/model-2019_Mercedes_Maybach_S_Class_Sedan- And this is the car they came in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VICTOR IS 4TH WALL BREAKING MASTER AND HE'S GOT YOU FAM! HE'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE JUICY DETAILS! *Laughs evilly* That's a lie....
> 
> Also sidenote: Trying a new, better looking format since I've been taking writing clasees recently and I just can't handle the way my original format was anymore because OCD's a bitch.

         “Oh, so this is where my favorite Maserati ended up.” There’s the familiar jingle of the car unlocking as I slip into the back seat, Yurio following as Yuuri takes the front seat. I pat the custom vinyl of the seats I remember adding when I first bought it, taking note most of what I had done to it still present except for a few new additions to mine.

 

         “You gave me the keys and never asked for it back, so it’s your fault.” He spits.

 

         “More like, you stole it on our 3rd date after you decided dating an opposing spy wasn’t something you’d risk your job for.”

 

         “I did it so you wouldn’t get your head chopped off by the Yakuza!”

 

         “My agency is practically on par with the Russian mafia, Yuuri!”

 

         “That’s not the point!-”

 

         “Ok, can we just not talk about the drama between you two for like two seconds!? I am tired of hearing it!” He throws his hands up in the air, more pissed than usual. “And- you know what?” I notice Yurio shuffle back out of the car and wave off to  something on the other side with a smile. “I’ll fucking go with Otabek! At least he knows when I actually give a shit!” And he was gone, just like that. I saw him giddly race over to Otabek’s motorbike and get tossed a helmet which he too eagerly accepted before zooming off.

 

He wasn’t heading in the direction of the apartment.

 

He’d be fine.

 

         “See, Yuuri! Even our own child abandoned us because you stole my car!”

 

“Victor he is not-” He just rolls his eyes and starts up the old thing, the engine sounds even better than I remember it, purring beautifully in the night, as he revs it a few times before pulling out of the parking lot.

 

Now, I normally keep trackers on my stuff, before you ask, and yes, as a use-to-be infamous spy I shouldn’t just lose my stuff all willy nilly like that, but….There’s a slight problem in tracking something that another spy has stolen from you…...since ya know…….they’re a _spy_. And yes, I know, big shocker, my beloved is also a fucking spy, Yuuri Katsuki is a stripper who is also a mother loving spy. And actually there’s a real interesting story behind that, but of course, its full of drama and seriousness and clearly if you’re on chapter 3 of this shit you know we are never going to get that deep with this god awful catastrophe of a Yuri!!! On Ice fanfic. So, anyways, Yuuri is a spy and he stole my car because he was mad at me and him being a spy and all meant he most likely knew about the trackers and disabled them a long, long time ago. I mean sure, I was a little peeved, ok, no I was not just a little peeved, he literally stole my baby, but I let it go after a while, realizing I probably deserved it, after all we were toxic for each other to begin with.

A playboy and an innocent empath probably should have never crossed paves, but as fate were have it-

 

         “Oof!” I feel the cold leather hit my face as we come to an abrupt stop.

 

          “Stop.” He cuts in, face serious, expression steely and cold.

 

          “Stop, what?”

 

           “You’re doing the thing.”

 

            “What thing?” I question, but he just turns his attention back to the road.

 

             “The narrating in your head thing, it’s weird.”

 

              “How do you know about that?” I question him and he immediately rolls his eyes at me. The tiniest bit of my heart jumps at the action. “And why the hell did we stop?”

 

               “You’ve been mumbling to yourself back there nonstop since Yurio left and its a red light, genius. Thought you were supposed to be smart.” He chuckles at his own joke. “But seriously stop doing that, see you’re doing it now”

 

                “No, I’m not.” I hide a little further into my trench coat to cover my lips, Yuuri looking less than impressed in the rear-view mirror.

 

                “This is why we’re not dating anymore.”

 

                 “YUURI!”


	4. Coming Home Shouldn't Be This Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well if you invite your Ex over and your entire family knows about the drama between you two and wants to kill your Ex, what should you expect other than family friendly death threat session?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! I'm back with another chapter, fools! (I kinda took a break from writing for a little while as I do) But now I am back with an all new chapter for you peeps to enjoy! 
> 
> Feel free to leave some kudos and comments, my dudes!

“You know, I’m surprised you still remember the way here.” I smile as we pull up to a presumably empty lot, the shining city glowing brilliantly against the housing units in the background. I take in a breath of air as I open the car door and the biting chill of the night rushes past my ears. I didn’t remember it being this cold earlier, how exactly long had we been driving for?

 

“Of course I remember….” He hides his face away in his over jacket, finishing pulling a t-shirt over his head before I pulled out the keys. “It’s not like I could ever forget.”  He knew he wasn’t hiding that blush very well at the question, but instead of teasing him about it I simply put the keys into the transparent lock and watch with an amused smile as the cloaking around the house dissipates to reveal blue shingled roofing and white siding, a familiar sense of home washing over me at the sight.

 

“Home, sweet home.” I sigh, watching my breath disappear into the cold night as I turn the door handle. Immediately the smell of freshly baked cookies greet me, a familiar sound of a sports game playing on the TV with the usual hooting and hollering for whatever team was playing following suit. I manage to catch a glimpse of my sister in the kitchen -

 

“Borp! Borp, borp!”

 

“Makkachin!” I throw my arms open as the poodle races towards me…...and then past me, knocking down the body behind me.

 

“Oh yes! You’re a good boy! The fluffiest boy, yes, yes, yes, I love you too, buddy. Ha, ha, ha, ha!”  I mean as disappointed as I am that I wasn’t the one on the floor getting loved crazily by my own dog, the sight of Yuuri smiling -genuinely- for the first time in a long time fills my heart with a nostalgic warmth. “Makkachin! I can’t breath, let me go!”

 

“Borp!”

 

"Hey, what’s with all the noise, out here, I’m trying to watch the Tigers kick the Fae’s asses!”

 

“Vitaly!” I catch my older brother in a hu- or he’s gently peeling me off of him and laying me back on the lawn, like an absolute fucking- “Ah, my lovely, big brother. Still don’t do hugs I see?”

 

“Never, dimwit. When have I ever showed any resemblance of love or compassion towards any of you morons?” He quipped, a round going off within the house in agreement along with a few greetings, all three of my siblings giving each equally deadpan faces….well until they notice the giggling mess also on the lawn.

 

“Yuuri!?” Svetlana, my older sister.

“Katsuki!?” And Shura, my younger brother.

 

Both of who which completely ignore my pleas for a hug and instead rescue Makkachin from Yuuri’s arms and engage in an intense glaring contest at the doorway. Out of a score of one to ten, I’d give Vitaly a 10, Shura an 8 and Svetlana a fucking 100 because she is always going to be the scariest. I mean, I knew they all were still kinda mad - no pissed off more like it- at my former love, but you would think they would have been over it by now? But ah, I’m forgetting we’re all Nikiforovs and a Nikiforov can hold onto a grudge to the grave.

 

“H-hi.” He squeaks out in a wave, Makkachin tugging at her collar in Svetlana’s arms.

 

“ _Podonok_.”

 

“ _Babnik_.”

 

“ _Suka_.”

 

Each of their glares worsened with every word and I swear the chill of the night wasn’t enough to keep down my sudden nervous sweat.

 

“Hey, guys lets all get along here! The only reason Yuuri is here is because…”

 

“He wants to break your heart again?” Svetlana growled, her gaze piercing and I swear  saw Yuuri’s soul leave his body.

 

“I’d let your blood stain my blade a hundred times if it wasn’t considered murder under retirement laws.” Shura spat, intimidatingly taking a bite out of his half eaten chocolate chip cookie. I knew I smelt Svetlana’s homemade cookies.

 

And Vitaly is the last to speak, a soft curse under his breath as he pushed me behind him into the house. I silently mouth an ‘I’m sorry’ to the terrified Japanese before I take Makkachin from Svetlana and head inside, tying her up in the kitchen and stealing a cookie for myself.

 

Yuuri would be fine…..

  


“OH FOR CHRISTS SAKE! CAN I GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU TWO CAUSING SOME SORT OF FUCKING DRAMA!?”

 

Just fine…….


	5. Dogs of The Round Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Family intervention with the Nikiforovs! OH JOY! And we get Yuuri's side of the story!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted in a while! I was going through bit of a rut lately and I just needed a break! But now I'm back and everything's ok now so regular updates should come faster now.

You know I never expected to be sat at a round table, one that’s not even round to begin with actually, with a bunch of professionally sociopathic siblings that just happen to be related to my ex and one angry teenager who does ballet as a side hobby. Never thought for once in my life that those culminations of words would ever actually fit together in one sentence and describe my current situation. 

 

“I’m sorry, I think I’ve been retired for too long because I swear you’re mumbling.” And, oh boy, now that silver haired idiot has gotten me to do it too. I’m slowly going insane around him, aren’t I?

 

Might as well go along with it and see what happens.

 

Vitaly clenches his fist, Svetlana has the scariest sapphire blues in existence when she’s mad and Shura, despite his characteristically shy nature similar to mine, is on the same emotional high as his older siblings. It’s obvious I’m not wanted here, all three of them making it no secret as they all fiddle with the weapons hidden in their pockets, Svetlana’s traditional bulat knife in her hoodie, Shura’s custom smith and wesson model 3 revolver hidden just under his belt loops, and Vitaly casually cracking his knuckles over the table and rolling his shoulders whilst watching every flinch of my muscles.

 

Yurio rolls his eyes, predictably and Victor just innocently chomps away at his stupid cookie like he’s some sort of fucking angel in this whole situation or something, which he definitely isn’t! If I wasn’t practically at gunpoint by five of Russia’s top spies then I would be reaching over this table to stab him in the neck with a kunai _. _

 

Victor visibly tenses for a moment, weirdly, and stops just short of eating away another chocolate chip. (Not the cookie, no, he’s too good for the cookie, he just wants the fucking chips like some heathen!) And then….he stares open wide at me……...I think I see stars in his eyes….literal stars. 

 

Well that is before Svetlana moves in just so, in that particular unnoticeable way unless you paid attention or used the move yourself with her head obscuring him past his wild cowlick that just wouldn’t go down no matter how much hair gel he used.

 

“You better have a good fucking excuse as to why you’re talking to my little brother, again,  хуйня́ .” I try not to back away at the spit decorating my face as she bares her teeth at me and its a much harder task than one may think. I’m slowly finding myself drowning in mushed cookie and saliva.

 

_ Gross….. _

 

“Svetla, If you would just-” Victor pipes up, but is then pushed back down in his chair by said sister.

 

“Vitya, the adults are talking!” 

 

“But-” Victor squeaks at Vitaly raising a finger to shush him as they continue their glaring contest of no winners and probably insulting me too under their breaths. Whichever one it is, its all the more reason to take it out on Victor afterwards because as much as he’s convinced them otherwise, he’s not as innocent as he likes to make himself out to be.

 

“Hey, at least he brought back your car, cut the guy some slack.” Yuri...Yuri ummm, pipes in? I don’t know, I’m not very good at storytelling especially like…. _ this _ . 

 

Though I might actually have to give the agency some credit for training Yurio to not give this entire situation a second glance or bolt, but then the thought crosses my mind that Yuri is just naturally great at not caring about anything in tense situations and falls gracefully into the roll of uncaring teenager who only cares about scoring dates at the club next week with friends. Wait, does Yuri even have any friends?

 

“Yeah, we’ll cut him some slack when he tells us why he decided to strand our baby brother in the middle of one of the most dangerous missions of his life without so much as a way out!” 

 

Ok admittedly that was my fault, but I did it only because of the bullshit he put me through and nothing more. 

 

“I did bring back the car so…” I finally managed to say, my courage built up enough to loosen the tension in my tongue.

 

“No excuses!” Shura promptly butted in.

 

“Alright then…...I guess I’ll remain nice and quiet then..”

 

“Guys! Can you please just let me explain! Jeez!” Victor wailed and oh my god I’m so glad this whole schtick is over and done with because I’m honestly tired of not being able to say anything out loud. “Look I know you’re all very very upset with Yuuri, but can we please just be civil about this? I kinda need him for the rest of this story to continue.”

 

“I don’t see why we should. He put you in danger and stole our car! OUR car! We worked our life and blood into that thing, Victor! You even custom ordered that leather from LA, that shit was expensive!” Vitaly argued, pointing an accusing finger at me. Though rightfully, I had this coming to me so I guess its only fair I’m not in their good graces at the moment.

 

“That was our baby! We worked really hard on her!” Shura’s eyes are practically flooded with tears, shimmering in the dim kitchen light and I can silently agree with Yuri that I am fed up with all of this.

 

“Everyone, just shut up for five minutes!”  _ Bang, bang! _

 

……..

  
  


……..

  
  


……..

  
  


……..

  
  


“Now.” Victor calmly releases his finger over the trigger of his brother’s gun and places it back in his pocket before he gets another urge to fire it off again. “Can I please just talk before everyone-”

 

“Vitya, you blasted two caps into the ceiling!” Svetlana scolded, slapping him rightfully on the arm with a pout. 

 

See, not as innocent!

 

“Sorry, but please let me finish and then you can yell at me for ruining Mom’s ceiling.”

 

“Fine.” She relented and finally relaxed back in her chair for the first time tonight.

 

“Now as I was saying! I kinda called Yuuri here tonight for something very important….Yurio too.” His expression grims and I instantly feel the change of atmosphere, Yurio quietly leaving the room without so much as a sound, his featherlight feet finding themselves in the living room. I would join him, but…

 

“I don’t want anyone to panic, but….Yakov and everyone else at the agency is….um….” I see the lump Victor swallows in his throat and I make a move to speak for him, but a hand on my shoulder shuts me right up.

 

“Dead.” 

  
  
  
  
  


I won’t get into the details…….Lets just say there’s a huge hole in the side of Victor’s Mother’s house now and that everyone was crucially emotionally devastated and Victor, having noticed I was in fact going insane right along with him, asked me not to include that part in. 

  
  
  
  


“Yuuri you really have to brush up on your narrating skills.” His smile was stiff and his posture mirrored death as he sluggishly slinked along side me, bumping my shoulder with his as we made our way back to the car. It was a stilted attempt at humour and I…..something about it just made me laugh despite it being completely unfunny.

 

“Well I’m sorry I’m not as an insane lunatic as you who narrates their entire life like some visual novel.” I joke back, more mumbled than anything since my confidence isn’t exactly the best right now.

 

“Well, you could of, I don’t know, spiced up your word choice a bit and made everything a bit more fluid instead of just putting in dialogue tags everywhere and using abrupt sentences?”

 

“What? Are you some sort of Author now?” He laughs. He actually genuinely laughs. And I don’t even know how to feel about that.

 

“Well, I mean, I took classes when I was still a spy, ya know…... It was just part of a mission, but I found it rather fun!” He smiled. “And besides any  _ amatuer _ would know that not every time a character speaks you have to directly tell everyone what’s going on. Like he did this or she did that, Yuuri!”

 

“Oh shut up! It was my first time narrating, idiot!”

 

“And I hope you do it again, but try adding a little more pizazz! Wow me next time!” 

 

“Fine….dumbass.”

 

A long silence stretches on for some time until we hear a loud door slam behind us. 

 

“Ugh, will you two just stop flirting already! Jeez I’m kinda wishing I stayed at Otabek’s, now!”

 

And Victor was all too quick to retort to that. “Sure you do, Kotenok.” 

 

And for once I find myself smiling at the ridiculous idiocy that emanates from this man.

 

“Yeah, Yuuri! Just like that!” 

 

Oh, how dare he comment on my insanity! “I’m going to leave without you!”

 

“YUURI!” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


I leave without him for five minutes. Me and Yuri got McDonalds.


	6. It's Fucking Raining......I Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yurio has joined the battle! Its time for your precious Russian Tiger to make his perspective narrative! Hooray! (By the by, I am aware of the excessive cursing and usage of sensitive subjects, very, very, very fully aware of it) Just remember this story is not meant to be taken seriously and anyone dealing with any serious issues that I mention, I do not mean to offend you in anyway.
> 
> Now this chapter is a bit more serious than the others, dealing with Yurio's past and his opinion of Yuuri and Victor, but obviously it doesn't sounded that way! Enjoy it anyways and take it for what you will!
> 
> (Sorry for deleting this, I just forgot to add something to it)

 

Ugh, great it’s raining and we’re not even home yet and I’m trapped in a fucking decked out super car with dumb and dumber as they make bedroom eyes at each other. Ok, they’re fucking giggling about unimportant shit and giving each other the side eye, but still they should just go fuck each other already, its obvious they want to and it’s disturbing. 

 

I wish I could just drift off and ignore them, but- 

 

SHIT! 

 

Fucking thunderstorms…..hate them. They’re so goddamn loud and noisy and keep me up at night when I just wanna go the fuck to bed. 

 

“Yurio, is there something you’d like to say to us?” Shit they noticed.

 

“No, now fuck off…. _ Pig _ .” 

 

“Yurio!” 

 

“You too, old man!” The next stoplight I might just fucking bolt. They can’t tell  _ me _ what to  _ do _ ! 

 

“ _ I cannot believe you, just be nice! _ ” 

 

“ _ Oh my god, just shut up and drive, grandpa! _ ” -Note for all you idiots, italics is for me speaking Russian and I’m not repeating myself! -Also, other side note, Victor doesn’t fucking speak russian, he speaks idiot.

 

“ _ Where did you learn such bad manners _ ?” See? Idiot!

 

I turn away and stare out the window not wanting to deal with anymore shouting matches today. Though I can still feel eyes on me just pissing me off even more. Victor and Pig already ruined my visit to uncle Vitaly’s house and not to mention he ate all of Svetlana’s damn cookies too! Victor just ruins everything, like my gear, he also just locks me up all the time whenever we go places and he thinks I’m like stupid or something! Sometimes I just wish I never fucking met him! ….But he makes the best inventions so I guess I have no choi-chose-choise, however the fuck you spell it, to like him. It sucks that I have to work with him though, like why did we have to become partners? Of all the people…..I asked for the best partner not the lousiest one whose only good for their work. Victor doesn’t even have any hobbies whatsoever, it’s so freaking easy to tell he does nothing with his life other than shut himself in a room all day with his inventions, like I bet he doesn’t even leave that swivel chair for more than an hour a day to walk Makkachin. Geez, he’s fucking depressing. It’s sad that the agency shoots him in the knees all the time, his hours are ridiculous. And I thought 3 hours -

 

“-Yuri, you use words not numbers unless it’s above ten.”

 

“-Oi, shut up! I know that! ITS MY TURN TO NARRATE AND YOU WILL NOT INTERRUPT ME!”

 

And then Pig just has to turn back the fuck around and speak. “Oh, so I guess we’re all doing this now, huh?” 

 

“NO!” 

 

And Pig has the audacity to fucking chuckle. Oh I will make sure to narrate you getting struck by lightning, you fucking stupid ass bowl of Katsudon. 

 

“Yuri, you can only narrate what’s true, you can’t just make things up.” 

 

“THIS WHOLE STORY IS MADE UP, YOU TWO ARE FUCKING ICE SKATERS WHO MAGICALLY WORK FOR FUCKING SPIES NOW!” They blink at me like I have two heads. “You know what I fucking hate this story and the two of you. I’m done.” 

 

And finally, finally, some silence and I’m left to just stare out my window in peace again. Anyways, before I was so rudely interrupted I think I was going on a spiel about how fucking pathetic Victor Nikiforov Genius spy tech inventor really was. And for the record I don’t even think he’s really a genius, more like a baby whose Momma was super hot so they decided in order to keep her around so they could keep disgustingly gawking at her gave her kids and husband a job at the agency in the possibility to steal her away from her husband and bang her, but hey that’s just my fucking theory on how he actually works there. And they just fucking hand him awards for stupid shit like he’s their almighty king. He doesn’t even deserve half those rewards.

 

Also does nobody ever talk about the fact that he literally winks at every guy at work and even though I’ve told Yakov about this he still won’t let me file sexual harassment against him to get him fired! He keeps telling me: “Yura, I can’t just fire someone for peacefully doing his job. Nor can I for  _ winking. _ ” “Yeah, but Yakov! He is a literal sexual predator, get him fired, he looked in my direction and smiled, he deserves jail time! Do you want me to tell the police you hired a predator!?” “Yura, we are the police.” “Fuck you old man…..” AND HE STILL WON’T LISTEN TO ME!

 

“Yura, if you’re going to mumble back there, do it quietly I have some calls to make.”

 

“SHUT UP, OLD MAN! I CAN MUMBLE HOWEVER LOUD I WANT TO!” And then damn Katsudon has to butt in again when I really freaking wish he wouldn’t!

 

“Yura, maybe you should be nicer to Victor, he’s just trying to-”

 

“Oh and now you wanna call me by nicknames, Mr. Abandon me on the side of the road for dead in a neighborhood controlled by the mafia!?” 

 

Now I won’t go into fucking details with you idiots because clearly if you’re reading this you must absolutely fucking love Victor at this point and think he’s all this and that, well sorry to burst your fucking bubbles, but he isn’t and neither is Katsudon, but Katsudon is much better than him by far despite what I’m about to tell you because at least he has some faith in me to take care of myself and knows that I’m actually good at my job. So, Him, Victor and I were all on some dumb mission together and after we ditched Victor, before I knew that idiot better, I felt bad for doing so and I was all kinds of fucking freaked out because we had just left him for those weird dudes in black suits, I can’t remember the name of, to kill him. I was freaking out in the car, which in retrospect I would like to slap younger me because if I were there now I wouldn’t have cared and been so happy to leave that asshole for dead inside that building, and then Pig, having enough of my shit, scolded me, shamed me for abandoning my training and dropped me off in some crummy place in Detroit where there was literally a building on fire just a block away with robbers running out of there with molotovs in hand and the entire neighborhood I was in had tons of stray cats and dilapidated ass buildings ready to turn to dust. And then he just drove off. Without a fucking word. He just abandoned me there. I swear to god he was just like my Mom. Have no idea why he left me there, or why he thought that was just the greatest decision of his life, but he was gone before I could fucking open the door and punch the shit out of him so I had no choice, but to call up Yakov tell him about the situation and get picked up by Mila, of all the agents he could’ve sent he had to choose that old hag of a lesbian to come get me, then I had to tell them Yuuri double crossed us and then tell uncle Vitaly that his brother was most likely dead. Yeah, you can imagine how that phone call went. 

 

“Yuri, you know full well I was jus-”

 

“Just what!? Glad to be rid of me! Happy that I wasn’t in your way anymore so you could drive back to your whore bar with Phi-”

 

“YUURI, YURIO I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND IF YOU TWO DON’T SHUT UP! I AM TRYING TO CALL PEOPLE!” 

 

And again the car goes silent, but Katsudon gives me a long glare before mouthing, “This conversation isn’t over.” at me like I don’t already know that. I just gather up my coat and use it as a blanket since Mr. Ice Prince doesn’t ever like to turn the heat on whenever he drives and try to sound out the thunder storm. At least if I can do that I can go to sleep and act like I’m not with these two in the dream world. And I can just not be treated like a baby who noone wants for the next hour. 

  
  
  
  


…..I close my eyes

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


…..And I try to sleep, but…..Yakov

  
  


Shit….I almost totally forgot about Yakov…….Yakov's…...Yakov's dead now……..The entire agency is dead now……

 

What are we….what are we going to do, where are we going to go…..?

  
  


I hear Victor mumble someone's name and I feel sleepy, really sleepy, like I didn't even feel like this before, but now I do and....fuck it….I guess Otabek was right when he was driving me to my place….I guess I really just need to sleep. 

 

Victor better be fucking narrating next time because this shit is too exhausting.


	7. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of flashback time, babies!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry I haven't posted anything basically almost all year. This year has been really tough for me and I'm really struggling both at home and at school at the moment. I haven't been inspired much to write recently, but luckily summers coming around the bend and I'll have much more free time and relaxation time as well so I will definitely post more frequently. I have the next chapter of magical boy series all typed up and I'm just editing it, I've been working on that since a few months ago and its finally almost ready and I've been developing this story further as well. Don't worry I haven't been sitting on my ass doing nothing the entire time I've been gone. I've even been working on more Victuuri shorts for the other posts as well so be sure to look out for that as well. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

There’s the screams of a child as a home is lit ablaze. The young toddler sits on the curb outside screaming and hollering on the sidewalks watching as the house burns down, wooden beams breaking through shattered windows, flames dancing high into the stars and smoke vanishing away innocent memories of the burned black home. A lighter sits on the lawn, purposefully open and burning turning black in the flames with everything else, ash blocking up the ignition. 

 

There’s a low and gruff grumble followed up with a sigh as chapped lips and wrinkly skin hoist the child into their arms, patting at the blonde tufts on their head as they wail. 

 

“It’s alright, uspokoysya, milyy.” He sputters out before sitting the child back on the cold concrete before he begins to wail more. The old man just sighs and shrinks down to the child’s side. “Listen, Kotenok, that is your home. And your home is burning, yes?”

 

The child’s screaming lessens as he gives a sobby reply full of booger filled sniffles. “D-da.”

 

“And your Mother and Father are nowhere to be seen, no?”

 

“D-da.” He looks up to the man with watery, glazed eyes so big and round as the world itself. Yakov would admit they looked beautiful surrounded in that striking forest green had his heart not been hardened by such sights from years of service. 

 

“Then it is clear they abandoned you and tried to kill you in that fire, child.”

 

“Wh-what?” 

 

“Doesn’t seem like much to cry over to me. Come with me, young Yuri. We shall………...make do of the situation as best we can so nothing happens to you.” 

 

The tears dry quickly, but the shock of the situation still settles upon his soft dimples and red flush. He blinks once, twice, three times before he grabs for the older man and he’s lifted into his arms without hesitation. 

 

“Where…..where are weh goin’?” He  receives no answer. “Yakov…….?” The old man remains silent as he carries the boy off. “Yakov?” He gets a pat on the head, but still the cold silence remains and after five more attempted calls of his name Yuri stops and only asks more questions once a helicopter appears to take them away from Yuri’s home town. 

 

It’s not until an hour into their ride in the sky that Yakov finally answers the four year old. 

 

“We’re going home, Yuri. And there I shall train you. I will train you to be strong and you will fight on your own to right the wrongs of others like yourself.” 

 

“..........Ok, uncle Yakov.” 

  
  
  


BOOM! 

  
  


“AH!” Fucking christ! oh…….Right I fell asleep in the car...with….dumb and dumber. 

 

“Yurio, wake up we’re here.” 

 

“Where is here?” I asked, but of course Katsudon decides not to answer me and just shuffles uncomfortably in his seat like the anxious idiot he always has been. I peel off my jacket and unclip my seatbelt. 

 

And honestly……….I really want to sigh right now because of all the places we could be right now and……..we’re at Christophe Giacommetti’s house. 

 

Oh joy………

  
  
  
  
  


Wait……..WHY THE HELL AM I STILL NARRATING!!????!?!?!?!?!?!?


End file.
